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20 April 2013 @ 04:26 am


Lost my job. Depressed, but trying not to let it drag me back into the abyss. Don't even know why I'm typing this really. Self-expression has in some ways become a dead end.

NP: ICP - Piggy Pie

Maybe I'll actually stick around for a while this time. That pressure is definitely there again. Write, write, write. Get it out, eject it... like steam hissing out my fingers a bit at a time.

I did get that job at Felisfire I mentioned a while back, though. It's been an interesting experience. It's not a job per se, more like volunteer work with the occasional real money 'bonus' if the site does well enough in a given month to afford it, but it's been very preoccupying and it's given me a way to feel as if I'm being productive and contributing something to the lives of others. Even if it's something as small and trivial as a website about imaginary catlike aliens.

It's very weird, being a head admin. Suddenly I'm not on the sidelines, I'm not merely a 'popular kid', I'm the head of the popular crowd! It's an uncomfortable feeling, but I deal with it. And try to do the best I can.

I haven't, however, been able to practice SCII as much as I would've otherwise liked.

I need to get working on commissions for people, plus finish the project design notes for the Haunted Swamp so Yasu and I can get started working on it... only half of September left to get it done...



... meh. I can't think clearly right now. I think I'll go play SCII to jumpstart my thinking circuits. If that won't wake me up, nothing will.

As much as I like the Zerg and I'm excited for Heart of the Swarm, I have discovered that overall I actually play Protoss better. Terran is still major meh. They're kinda boring to play and REALLY boring to play against recently. 'Rine/'raud this, thor/BC that. Every. Single. Game. RROOOAAAAAAAAAAAR.

Even the Zerg players are less predictable. They might sixpool, or speedling rush, or 'lingroach, or mutieball, or corruptor/brood lord... lots more possibilities in your given random Zerg player.

Then again maybe it's because I'm stuck in bronze. I swear I'm 1v1 silver, but I can't seem to actually earn my way into that bracket. I just plain don't play often enough. Hmmph. If I want to play pro level I'd better pick my butt up off the ground and get moving.

I want to feel determined. I want to feel predatory. I want to want to win. I don't feel any of those things right now. But maybe if I pretend long enough it'll kick in...

NP: ICP - Southwest Voodoo
Impulse: listlesslistless
15 September 2012 @ 08:24 am
NP: Rush - Second Nature

What am I doing here?

I don't always understand myself.

The last few weeks, I've been missing this place. I don't really know why, because it hardly represents the best part of my life, the time I spent here. In fact it was much of the worst of it, thus far. So why do I feel drawn back? Don't know, really. I haven't been writing much, or drawing much, or doing much of anything to express myself lately. Maybe that's it. The pressure in my head is building up and I need to blast off steam. I dunno. Or maybe I just yearn for familiar things when I feel off-balanced, regardless of the positive or negative quality of the familiarity.

I wish I could explain to people that my own personal problems, issues, quirks, and brokennesses have nothing at all to do with them. I've lost friends over this. I don't know how to explain even if I try. I'm just a terrible friend I guess. I'm trying to make a point of not becoming friends with anyone anymore, just being polite and friendly but distant, so I don't hurt anyone like that anymore.

I'm lonely, but I suppose I'll just have to get used to that.

I miss Mitch. He's off working at Suzie's. Maybe when he comes home this feeling will go away.

Speak of the Devil...

NP: The Doors - Wild Child
Impulse: discontentdiscontent
14 October 2008 @ 02:11 am
We finally have Internet again. My computer is at Dad's being fixed and as soon as I get it back I'm going to get a new antenna for the wireless card so Mitch and I will finally have a computer of our own with Internet.

Things have been going... not smoothly, but pretty well, all things considered. The situation isn't exactly great right now, but we're resourceful people and we're finding ways to get by without suffering too much a loss in our already stripped-down lifestyle. We can still eat relatively good food and drive the cars... not like there's much choice about the cars. Adam and I could maybe function within the Vacaville bus system, maybe, even though it sucks so much, but Mom never could. She's just not healthy enough anymore. She's 63 and can barely get out of bed some days.

I'm going to have to ask my father for money. The thought has been very stressful for a long time, but I think I've finally gotten myself into the right mindset and state of equilibrium to attempt it. Now I just have to decide if I do it in person or not.

I've been doing a lot better lately, as far as metaprogramming and my neuropsychologic health are concerned. It's still far from perfect, but I've at least finally managed to firmly convince myself that I can, in fact, program myself, that it just takes knowing how to do it and a lot of time and effort, at least right now.

Manitou and Mitch both had birthdays this week. Manitou turned 1 year on Friday October 10th, and Mitch turned 22 on the 12th. I bought him a nice big half-sheet cake from Safeway. It's chocolate, has five big roses, fifteen rosebuds, and chocolate buttercream frosting. I bought a couple tubes of icing and added "Happy B'Day Mitch!!" Plus some spirals and three snakes, slithering subtly amongst the roses. Amazingly tasty. jayyy and erauqs both came over, Nick/erauqs bringing his girlfriend. There were a couple of things I wish hadn't happened, like my brother being a douche to Jay and Nick and his girlfriend getting treated terribly at the sushi place Mitch and I always go to. (Jay paid for both Mitch and I even though it was supposed to just be his present to Mitch and I had gone prepared to cover myself. He's so sweet.) Usually it's a really good place so I was very surprised and unhappy that the service was so bad it qualified as rude. They didn't leave a tip at all, and these are people who usually tip 25%. I didn't blame them at all.

Otherwise it went well and Mitch and I both had a good day yesterday. I worked very hard to make sure he'd have a nice, happy birthday. After sushi we came home. Mitch made everyone sing him the birthday song. Then we cut the cake and put on Monty Python. I adjourned to the couch to let Mitch have some time with people other than me while they sat further back on chairs, talking as well as watching. Listening to him enjoy himself made me happy.

My only regret is that after our friends left, we went to bed and fell asleep rather than making love. We thought we'd be able to in the morning, but we got distracted by needing to find a letter with Mitch's ticket information in it and we never got to. I really regret that. I wanted to renew my neurophysical connection with him before he left. Oh well. He'll be home soon enough.

I hope to still move to Oregon, but that's been delayed another couple weeks because of Mitch having to go to North Dakota and Mom's divorce from Julian plus some stuff I have to do. Sigh.

I really need to send them our IDs, and now Mitch is in ND. I have to ask him to make a copy of his ID and mail it from there. Hopefully he'll read this.

I finally, finally, finally made myself get started for real on my first novel. In the end, as much as I like The Ghost Tree trilogy idea, it's a bit too in-depth to stand as the first Paradise City book(s). I need something to introduce the world a little better that isn't so intricate in plot and doesn't need so many characters and strange ideas. So I decided to create a Paradise City story inspired heavily by serial killer Carl Panzram. Not only is he the single least repentant serial killer ever, but he's got some of the best quotes, too. When asked, before being hanged by the State, if he had any last words, he said this: "Yes: Hurry up already, you Hoosier bastard! I could've hung ten men while you're dicking around up there!"

He was a fascinating character, much less "generic" than many serial killers. Because he was able to write an autobiography in prison and was not the usual chronic liar-type sociopath (most of his claims were validated) a good deal is known about him and his life, although obviously many details are beyond confirmation. I'm going to write it assuming that the autobiography is mostly accurate, changing only the details needed to make it the Stained World rather than our world. I'm also changing the later parts of the story, embellishing it for the sake of plot and creativity so the story is something more than just a fictional re-hash of his autobiography.

In real life, while on Death Row, a prison guard discovered that the other guards were secretly torturing inmates under the guise of "discipline" and "interrogation", and specifically witnessed Panzram's victimization. After getting a moment alone, the guard slipped Panzram a dollar (a fair amount of money during the Depression, especially in prison.) While Panzram at first thought it was just another form of torture, a prelude to some trick, when nothing happened he slowly realized that the guard honestly meant the gesture. Having never had anyone do anything nice for him spontaneously in his life, Panzram was oddly touched, and they slowly became friendly with each other, relatively speaking. Henry, the guard, encouraged Panzram to write his autobiography, even brought him the paper and pencils, pens, and such he needed to do it.

Here's a link to the summary I wrote and to the first chapter, if anyone's interested.


I've been doing a lot of writing since we got the computer back. It's been pent up inside all during the Dry Spell (as I think of it) and now all of it is rushing out. I'm hoping to use that momentum to get a good ways into the story so I'll have an easier time continuing once the rush eases off and I return to a more normal creative level.

It'll be a lot easier than my other novel ideas to write, too, since a large part of the story has essentially already been brainstormed. I just have to organize it, fill in the details, and write it down.

If you want to look at what I've been writing recently, it's all either at StoryWrite or AllPoetry.


I'd love to write more, since it's been so long, but it's already 3 AM. I need to call up Falling and send him to Mitch like I said I would. I miss him; I promised I'd send a spirit to watch over him for me, and that I'd be with him even though I wasn't with him. So I have to go do that. Plus I need to wake up tomorrow and get things done. I've only got 1,500 words on the novel so far and I have to get hustling on that. I'm thinking of waiting another couple weeks and then making it a NaNoWriMo project in order to give myself momentum, but I can just as easily write for it now, then start it again in November as a rewrite. It'll need at least one more than likely anyway. Nothing is perfect on the first go and I improve all the time, so it makes sense.

I found a snail-mail letter written by my ex-girlfriend to me four years ago. It was so unexpected that it made me cry. I've moved on in most ways, but there's a hole in my heart that will always have the name "Cynical Jester" on it. The 'CJ' scar on my upper left arm still hasn't faded. I wonder if it ever will.

I wish we had parted on better terms. We might have been able to stay friends, at least.


I can't believe how lucky I am. I've been given the best thing I've ever been given twice now. I can't imagine I'll be so fortunate a third time. I treasure you so much, Mitch. Miss you, heart-of-my-heart, soul-of-my-soul. *snugs*

Time to call Falling. More later.
24 July 2008 @ 06:56 pm
Is anyone here looking for a PBEM/Yahoo-based Werewolf game, by any chance?

We just lost two players in a row, bam, bam, and only have one incoming replacement, whose character isn't one of the auspices we just lost. Not having an Ahroun we can muddle through, but I really think we'll need a Theurge. My Red Talon and Mitch's Stargazer aren't going to be enough to cut it; they're both Galliards, spiritual but not exactly with working knowledge of interacting with spirits.

I'm not planning on hunting far and wide, but I know I've got good RPers on my flist, and I also know at least a couple of you play Werewolf or know about it. So I figured it was worth a shot.

It's WerewolfRedemption on Yahoo. I don't know if non-members can view the posts, though.
04 May 2008 @ 01:01 pm
Ibogaine as a treatment for alcohol, nicotine, opiate , and cocaine dependency.

Methadone patients said that a plant called Tabernanthe Iboga worked to destroy their opiate dependency. Methadone is very hard to quit. Normally withdrawal from it takes months, but with the Iboga they were off methadone in four days. It did not necessarily destroy psychological dependency, but it destroyed the physical symptoms of withdrawals.

So that is very conclusive evidence thats Iboga has a direct medicinal value which is being utterly ignored currently.

Fight for its legalization and study. Spread the word of this valid use of this sacred plant.
02 March 2008 @ 04:10 pm
I wonder if North Dakota has laws about false police reports...
01 March 2008 @ 03:17 am
Friends only.

I might add you. Or I might not. Ask, or don't. Up to you.
25 February 2008 @ 08:10 pm
loneliness is a long way down
don't burn the bridge
until you're all the way
on the other side
until you've looked over your shoulder
and seen a turned back
don't burn the bridge
when the man in the tollbooth
is still trying
to apologize for the fee
Impulse: disappointeddisappointed
22 September 2007 @ 11:13 am
Those of you who want to be on the art/writing filter, comment and say so.

Those of you who want to be, or do NOT want to be, on the drug filter, comment and say so.
02 September 2007 @ 11:24 am
I'm going to make a Writing filter and post fiction/other non-typical journal stuff here as well as on IJ. Comment if you want on it, other than elizabeth_welsh, who obviously does. :p
16 August 2007 @ 10:14 pm
So I made this community piquerism. It's kind of nice to be able to have a specific name to put to the problem (if it is one) but it's still a bit ... I dunno. It's weird to be diagnosed as a sexual sadist when it doesn't feel sexual!

The OCD component is very clear, though. It's like being stabbed in the thought with these things. Yet at the same time they're so fucking compelling. It's like I'm fighting the most natural thing in the world, the one thing I should be doing above all other things. WTF, man? WTF?

I was wrong. It may not be years after all.
14 August 2007 @ 08:31 pm
From SFGate.com.

"(08-13) 11:55 PDT MOSCOW, Russia (AP) --

One by one, the squares on the chessboard filled up with numbers — each commemorating a murder.

Alexander Pichushkin allegedly killed most of his victims in a sprawling Moscow park, smashing their skulls with a hammer or throwing them into sewage pits after getting them drunk. He boasted he had nearly reached the last square, No. 64, by the time police captured him last year.

"For me, a life without murder is like a life without food for you," he told investigators in a nationally televised confession. "I felt like the father of all these people, since it was I who opened the door for them to another world."

Pichushkin, 33, looked calm and aloof Monday as he sat in the defendant's cage of the Moscow City Court during a preliminary hearing in which a judge accepted his request for a jury trial and ruled it would start Sept. 13.

After his June 2006 arrest, Pichushkin claimed he had killed more than 60 people over several years, but prosecutors said they had evidence to charge him with only 49 murders carried out in Moscow's Bittsa Park between 2005-2006. ... "
06 August 2007 @ 01:23 am
I'm very prone to repetition, aren't I?
12 June 2007 @ 07:44 pm

got a short between the earphones
wringing my hands in dismay
a more efficient maniac with two feet in the grave
ain't got no last words to say
yellow streak right up my spine
the gun in my mouth was real
and the taste it blew my mind!
in a black tie and straitjacket ... MAN!
gotta try again...
29 March 2007 @ 09:08 pm

boom boom bang bang
screams in the night
if you let him in
he'll turn off your light
10 January 2007 @ 12:56 pm

Look into my eyes
See the pain of a lifetime
What went wrong in my mind?

I been bad mistreated
You don't understand:
You'll never make a diamond from a grain of sand.
Got nobody
I'd change if I could
I'm not a
bad man
I'm just misunderstood
09 January 2007 @ 11:26 pm

Why you do fight it? Let it slide
You're just another slave to suicide

The good news is: You're dying.
The bad news it: I'm alive.
16 November 2006 @ 06:59 pm

Now things are looking up from way Down Here
So long as you don't stand on me
Things are looking clearer since I closed my eyes
So I can see the things I need to see

Now I don't really care what they say Up There
'Cause I got me a place to go
And if you don't know what you want
How do you know what you want
When I got what you want right here?

There's a hole, deep in the ground
Where I can be found
Digging it deeper
And if you want, you can come down
Look all around
Yeah, you'll fit right in.
16 November 2006 @ 02:52 pm

When it all comes down the line
And the lights they turn to 'greed'
And you race out with your tires screaming
Rolling thunder
And the people choke with poison
Children cry in fear
But you've got your fast bullet
One-way ticket outta here

In the cities, on the streets
There's a tension you can feel
The breaking strain is fast approaching
Guns and riots
The politicians gamble
And lie to save their skins
And the press gets fed the scapegoats:
Public Enema Number One
06 November 2006 @ 12:02 am

Who am I?
What is 'me'?
I am myself no longer